[A
customer enters a pet shop]Customer: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
[The owner does not respond.]
C: Hello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C:
O: Sorry we're closed for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead,
that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and
I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable bird,
the Norwegian Blue, isn'it, eh? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: No no no no, no, no! He's resting!
C: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!
[shouting at the cage]
Hello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle
fish for you if you show... [owner hits the cage]
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: [yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly] HELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
[Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to
the floor.]
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, he's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough
of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its
total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged
out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PINING for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him
home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on it's back! Remarkable
bird, isn't it, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I
got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had
been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had
been NAILED there.
[pause]O: Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that
bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent them
apart with its beak, and VOOM!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! He's bleeding demised!
O: No no! He's pining!
C: He's not pining! He's passed on! This parrot is no more!
He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker!
He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies!
His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
[pause]O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
[he takes a quick peek behind the counter]
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look round the back of the shop,
and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O:
[pause]
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Not really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?