[The Fawlty Towers reception lobby. The main entrance is at the back, with the stairs to the right. The entrance to the dining room is in the right wall; on the left, the reception desk running along the left wall, with the entrance to the office behind it. The entrance to the bar is beyond the desk.]
Basil:
[on the phone] One double room without bath for the 16th, 17th and 18th... yes, and if you'd be so good as to confirm by letter? ... thank you so much, goodbye. [puts the phone down]
Sybil:
[bustling in] Have you made up the bill for room twelve, Basil?
Basil:
No, I haven't yet, no.
Sybil:
Well, they're in a hurry. Polly says they didn't get their alarm call. And Basil, please get that picture up - it's been there for a week. [goes into office]
Basil:
It's been there since Monday, Sybil... Tuesday... Wednesday... Thursday... Good morning... Friday... Sat - [realizes Sybil is no longer there; goes across to Manuel who has come in carrying three breakfast trays] Manuel! There - is - too - much - butter - on - those - trays.
Manuel:
Que?
Basil:
There is too much butter on those trays. [he points to each tray in turn]
Manuel:
No, no, no, Senor!
Basil:
What?
Manuel:
Not 'on- those- trays'. No sir - 'uno dos tres.' Uno... dos... tres...
Basil:
No, no. Hay mucho burro alli!
Manuel:
Que?
Basil:
Hay... mucho... burro... alli!
Manuel:
Ah, mantequilla!
Basil:
What? Que?
Manuel:
Mantequilla. Burro is... is... [brays like a donkey]
Basil:
What?
Manuel:
Burro... [does more donkey imitations]
Basil:
Manuel, por favor...
Manuel:
Si, si...
Sybil:
[coming back in] What's the matter, Basil?
Basil:
Nothing, dear, I'm just dealing with it.
Manuel:
[to Sybil] He speak good... how do you say...?
Sybil:
English!
Basil:
Mantequilla... solamente... dos...
Manuel:
Dos?
Sybil:
[to Basil] Don't look at me. You're the one who's supposed to be able to speak it. [Basil angrily grabs the excess butter from the trays.]
Basil:
Two pieces! Two each! Arriba, arriba!! [He waves his hand towards the bedrooms and Manuel runs off.]
Sybil:
I don't know why you wanted to hire him, Basil.
Basil:
[sitting at typewriter] Because he's cheap and keen to learn, dear. And in this day and age such...
Sybil:
But why did you say you could speak the language?
Basil:
I learnt classical Spanish, not the strange dialect he seems to have picked up.
Sybil:
It'd be quicker to train a monkey. [Misses Tibbs and Gatsby come down the stairs.]
Sybil:
[turning on the charm] Good morning Miss Gatsby, morning Miss Tibbs.
Basil:
[imitating the charm ironically] Good morning, good morning.
Sybil:
Basil!
Basil:
Yes, dear?
Sybil:
Are you going to hang the picture?
Basil:
Yes I am, dear, yes, yes...
Sybil:
When?
Basil:
When I've, when I've...
Sybil:
Well, why don't you do it now?
Basil:
Well, I'm doing this, dear [indicating typewriter]... I'm doing the menu.
Sybil:
You've got all morning to do the menu. Why don't you hang the picture now? ... Well?
Basil:
[jumping up] Yes, all right, I won't do the menu... I don't think you realize how long it takes to do the menu, but no, it doesn't matter, I'll hang the picture now. If the menus are late for lunch it doesn't matter, the guests can all come and look at the picture till they are ready, right? [he starts to hang the picture to the right of the dining-room door]
Sybil:
Lower... [he lowers it]... Lower... up a bit... There! [she disappears]
Basil:
Thank you, dear. Thank you so much. I don't know where I'd be without you... in the land of the living, probably. [He holds the picture in position. A young couple, the Mackenzies, come hurriedly down the stairs and ring the reception bell.]
Basil:
Yes?
Mr Mackenzie:
Er... could we have our bill please?
Basil:
Well, can you wait a minute?
Mr Mackenzie:
Well I'm afraid we're a bit late for our train - we didn't get our alarm call. [Basil glowers at them, then puts the picture down and strides back to the typewriter.]
Basil:
Right. I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm so sorry, it's not all done by magic. [He starts typing the bill. Sybil looks in from the office.]
Sybil:
[accussingly] Basil, are you doing the menu?
Basil:
No, I'm not doing the menu, dear. I am doing the bill for these charming people who are in a hurry.
Mr Mackenzie:
[to Sybil] I'm sorry to cause all this trouble, but the reason we're late is we didn't get our alarm call.
Sybil:
Oh dear, I am sorry. [sweetly] Basil, why didn't they get their alarm call?
Basil:
Because I forgot! I am so sorry I am not perfect! There you are, there's the bill. Perhaps you'd pay my wife, I have to put the picture up... if there aren't any dustbins to be cleaned out... [He walks towards the picture again. A newspaper boy comes in and puts his papers on the tables.]
Newspaper boy:
Newspapers! [Basil turns after him aggressively, tapping his watch - the boy exits rapidly. The Mackenzies leave; Basil's farewell smile lacks integrity.]
Sybil:
Don't forget the picture, Basil.
Basil:
I won't, dear, leave it to me.
Sybil:
I'm going out now. I expect it to up when I get back. [she leaves]
Basil:
[through his teetch] Drive carefully, dear... [He takes the papers into the dining room, and, ignoring the other guests, gives one to Major Gowen.]
Basil:
Ah, good morning, Major.
The Major:
Morning, Fawlty.
Basil:
I do apologise for the tardiness of the arrival of your newspaper this morning, Major. I will speak to them again, see if something can be done. 
The Major:
Ah, more strikes... dustmen... Post Office... 
Basil:
It makes you want to cry, doesn't it. What's happened to the old ideal of doing something for your fellow man, of service? I mean, today...
Mr Watson:
[from his table] Mr Fawlty?
Basil:
Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming! [to the Major, quietly] They treat you like dirt, you know... of course it's pure ignorance, but with the class of guests one gets nowadays... 
The Major:
Ah! D'Olivera made a hundred!
Basil:
Did he? Did he really? Good for him, good old Dolly. Well, well, well... [Polly arrives with a cup of tea; he takes it, and gives her the other papers] Thank you, Polly.
Mr Watson:
We're only staying till Sunday!
Basil:
Right, thank you... [he picks up some food from the sideboard and goes through the lobby into the office; he has just sat down when he hears Sybil coming and hurriedly pushes his snack out of sight] Ah, I thought you were going out, dear.
Sybil:
[holding out a copy of Country Life] What's this?
Basil:
I decided, Sybil, to advertise. I...
Sybil:
How much did it cost?
Basil:
Oh... I haven't... fifteen?
Sybil:
Forty.
Basil:
[vaguely] ... Forty...
Sybil:
I have told you where we advertise.
Basil:
Sybil, I know the hotel business.
Sybil:
No you don't, Basil.
Basil:
Sybil, we've got to try to attract a better class of person.
Sybil:
Why?
Basil:
Well, we're losing tone.
Sybil:
We're making money.
Basil:
Yes, yes...
Sybil:
Just.
Basil:
Yes, but now we can try to build up a higher class of clientele! ...Turn away some of the riff-raff.
Sybil:
So long as they pay their bills, Basil.
Basil:
Is that all that matters to you, Sybil? Money?
Sybil:
This advertisement is a waste of forty pounds. [turns to leave]
Basil:
One moment! One moment, please! [proudly hands her a letter from the desk] Well?
Sybil:
...Well?
Basil:
My dear woman, Sir Richard and Lady Morris, arriving this evening. For two nights. You see, they saw the advertisement in Country Life.
Sybil:
I wish they were staying a week.
Basil:
Well, so do I...
Sybil:
Might pay for the ad then. [makes to leave again]
Basil:
Sybil, look! If we can attract this class of customer, I mean... the sky's the limit!
Sybil:
Basil, twenty-two rooms is the limit!
Basil:
I mean, have you seen the people in room six? They've never even sat on chairs before. They are the commonest, vulgarest, most horrible, nasty... [But Sybil has gone. The reception bell rings. Basil goes to the reception desk; standing there is a very non-aristocratic-looking cockney, Danny Brown.]
Danny:
'Allo! [Basil stands appalled] Got a room?
Basil:
...I beg your pardon?
Danny:
Got a room for tonight, mate?
Basil:
...I shall have to see, sir... single?
Danny:
Yeah. No, make it a double, I feel lucky today! [smiling appreciatively at Polly, who is passing] Hallo...
Polly:
[smiling nicely] Good morning. [Danny watches her as she leaves. He turns back to Basil who is staring at him with loathing.]
Danny:
Only joking.
Basil:
No we haven't.
Danny:
What?
Basil:
No we haven't any rooms. Good day...
Sybil:
[coming in] Number seven is free, Basil.
Basil:
What? ...oh... Mr Tone is in number seven, dear.
Sybil:
No, he left while you were putting the picture up, Basil... [to Danny] You have luggage, sir?
Danny:
Just one case. [to Basil, pointedly] In the car... the white sports. [Basil closes his eyes in agony. Sybil rings the bell.]
Sybil:
Fill this in, would you, sir?
Basil:
[quietly] If you can.
Sybil:
I hope you enjoy your stay [looking at register], Mr Brown. [Manuel arrives.]
Basil:
[slowly] Er, Manuel, would you fetch this gentleman's case from the car outside. Take it to room seven.
Manuel:
...Is not easy for me.
Basil:
What?
Manuel:
Is not easy for me... entender.
Basil:
Ah! It's not easy for you to understand. Manuel... [to Danny] We're training him... he's from Barcelona... in Spain [to Manuel] Obtener la valisa...
Manuel:
Que?
Basil:
La valisa en el, er auto bianco sportiv... y... a la sala... siete... por favor. Pronto.
Manuel:
Is impossible.
Basil:
Look, it's perfectly simple!
Danny:
[fluently] Manuel - sirvase buscar mi equipaje que esta en el automovil blanco y lo traer a la sala numero siete.
Manuel:
Senor habla Espanol!
Danny:
Solo un poco, lo siento. Pero he olvidado mucho.
Manuel:
No, no, habla muy bien. Muy muy bien. Formidable!
Danny:
Gracias, gracias.
Manuel:
Lo voy a coger ahora. [runs off to get the case]
Basil:
...Well, if there's anything else, I'm sure Manuel will be able to tell you... as you seem to get on so well together. [goes into the office]
Danny:
[calling after him] Key? [Basil comes back, takes the key from the hook and slams it down on the desk. Returning to the office he sits down, and switches on a cassette of Brahms. He settles back in rapture, but hears Sybil coming and rushes back to the picture in the lobby.]
Basil:
Hallo dear... just doing the picture.
Sybil:
Don't forget the menu.
Basil:
...I beg your pardon?
Sybil:
Don't forget the menu.
Basil:
I thought you said you wanted... Right! [puts the picture down] I'll do the menu.
Sybil:
You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket. [goes out]
Basil:
Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms's Third Racket!! ...[to himself] The whole morning! ...I had two bars. [In the dining room, Polly is taking Danny's order.]
Polly:
Ready to order?
Danny:
Er, yeah. What's a gralefrit?
Polly:
Grapefruit.
Danny:
And creme pot... pot rouge?
Polly:
Portugaise. Tomato soup.
Danny:
I'll have the gralefrit. Now - balm carousel... lamb?
Polly:
Casserole.
Danny:
Sounds good. Does it come with a smile?
Polly:
It comes with sprouts or carrots.
Danny:
Oh, smile's extra, is it?
Polly:
You'll get one if you eat up all your sprouts. [exits]
Danny:
[half registering a figure on the other side of the room] Waiter! [Basil freezes and then comes balefully towards Danny.]
Basil:
...I beg your pardon?
Danny:
Oh, hallo. Can I have some wine please?
Basil:
The waiter is busy, sir, but I will bring you the carte des vins when I have finished attending to this gentleman. [indicates the table he has just left]
Danny:
Oh, fine - no hurry.
Basil:
[muttering on his way to the other table] Oh, good, how nice, how very thoughtful... [at the other table] I trust the beer is to your satisfaction, sir?
Mr Watson:
...Yes, fine.
Basil:
Ah, good. May I wish you bon apetit. [snaps his fingers] Manuel! [Manuel runs in] Would you fetch the wine list please?
Manuel:
[not moving] Si, senor.
Basil:
... The wine list. The wine... vino [Manuel starts to move] No, no. The list! There, there, the list! [points to it - it is on another table] The list, there! The red... there! ...There!! [He picks up the list, hands it to Manuel, then gets Manuel to hand it to him so that he can give it to Danny.]
Danny:
Have you got a half bottle of the Beaujolais?
Basil:
Yes.
Danny:
Oh, fine. [Basil withdraws the wine list with a flourish, knocking the grapefruit out of Polly's hand as she approaches the table.]
Polly:
Sorry about that.
Danny:
No, I like a bit of cabaret. [picks up Polly's sketch pad from the table] You left your sketch.
Polly:
Oh! Sorry.
Danny:
It's very good. Do you sell any?
Polly:
Enough to keep me in waitressing. [she leaves as Basil reappears with the Beaujolais]
Basil:
One half bottle of Beaujolais. [he is about to open the bottle when the reception bell rings] ... Sybil!
Sybil:
[popping her head round the door] Someone at reception, dear. [she vanishes] [Basil hurries bad-temperedly into the lobby. Melbury is standing there.]
Basil:
Yes, yes, well, yes?
Melbury:
...Er, well, I was wondering if you could offer me accommodation for a few nights?
Basil:
[very cross] Well, have you booked?
Melbury:
I'm sorry?
Basil:
Have you booked?
Melbury:
Booked? No.
Basil:
[to himself] Oh dear!
Melbury:
Why, are you full?
Basil:
Oh no, we're not full... we're not full... of course we're not full!!
Melbury:
I'd like, er...
Basil:
One moment, one moment, please... yes?
Melbury:
A single room with a...
Basil:
Your name, please, could I have your name?
Melbury:
Melbury. 
 
[The phone rings; Basil picks it up.]
 
Basil:
[to Melbury] One second please. [to phone] Hello? ...Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion. [to Melbury, testily] Could you fill it in, please? [to phone] Oh, splendid! Ah, yes yes, but when, Mr O'Reilly? [to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the register] there - there!! [to phone] Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah! ...the flu! [to Melbury] Both names, please. [to phone] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose...
Melbury:
I beg your pardon?
Basil:
Would you put both your names, please? ...[to phone] Well, will you give me a date?
Melbury:
Er... I only use one.
Basil:
[with a withering look] You don't have a first name?
Melbury:
No, I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign myself 'Melbury'. [There is a long, long pause.]
Basil:
[to phone] Go away. [puts phone down] ... I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship... I do apologise, please forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?
Melbury:
Well, I have filled this in...
Basil:
Oh, please don't bother with that. [he takes the form and throws it away] Now, a special room? ... a single? A double? A suite? ... Well, we don't have any suites, but we do have some beautiful doubles with a view...
Melbury:
No, no, just a single.
Basil:
Just a single. Absolutely! How very wise if I may say so, your honour.
Melbury:
With a bath.
Basil:
Naturally, naturally! Naturellement! [he roars with laughter]
Melbury:
I shall be staying for one or two nights...
Basil:
Oh please! Please! ... Manuel!! [he bangs the bell; nothing happens] ... Well, it's... it's rather grey today, isn't it?
Melbury:
Oh, yes, it is, rather.
Basil:
Of course usually down here it's beautiful, but today is a real old... er... rotter. [another bang on the bell] Manuel!!! ...Still... it's good for the wheat.
Melbury:
Yes, I suppose so.
Basil:
Oh yes! I hear it's coming along wonderfully at the moment! Thank God! I love the wheat... there's no sight like a field of wheat waving in the... waving in... Manuel!!!! [he bangs the bell as hard as he can; no result] ...Well, how are you? I mean if it's not a personal question. Well, it is a personal... [he dashes from behind the desk] Let me take your cases for you, please allow me...
Melbury:
...Oh, thank you very much, they're just outside.
Basil:
Splendid. Thank you so much. I won't be one moment... [He sprints off, collects the cases, and returns to find Sybil talking to Lord Melbury at the counter.]
Basil:
...Ah, Lord Melbury. May I introduce my wife?
Melbury:
Yes, we have met.
Basil:
My wife, may I introduce your lordship.
Sybil:
Thank you, Basil, we've sorted it out.
Basil:
Splendid, splendid.
Melbury:
I wonder, could I deposit this case with you... it's just a few valuables?
Basil:
Valuable, of course. Please let me take it now. I'll put it in the safe straight away. Sybil, would you put this in the safe, please?
Sybil:
I'm just off to the kitchen, Basil.
Basil:
[muttering angrily] Yes, well, if you're too busy...
Sybil:
Nice to have met you, Lord Melbury. I hope you enjoy your stay. [she leaves]
Melbury:
Thank you so much.
Basil:
Yes, well I'll do it then, then I'll do the picture... [suddenly polite again] I'll put this away in one moment, your lord. [to Manuel who has appeared at last] Manuel, will you take these cases to room twenty-one.
Manuel:
...Que?
Basil:
Take... to room... twenty-one. [he surreptitiously signals the number with his fingers]
Manuel:
...No entender.
Basil:
Prenda las casos en... oh, doesn't matter. Right! I'll do it, I'll do it. Thank you Manuel. [picks up the cases]
Manuel:
I take them. [grabs cases]
Basil:
[not letting go] No, no, go away!
Manuel:
Que? [they struggle]
Basil:
Go and wait!
Manuel:
Wait?
Basil:
[indicating the dining room] In there! Go and wait in there! Go and be a waiter in there! [Manuel runs off; to Melbury] I do apologise, your lordship. I'm afraid he's only just joined us. We're training him. It'd be quicker to train a monkey, ha ha ha! [Basil's face freezes as Melbury does not react. Then he goes upstairs with the cases, reappearing a moment later.]
Basil:
Do please follow me... I mean, if you're ready. There's no hurry...
Melbury:
Oh yes, yes, fine. [follows Basil upstairs] [The dining room. Guests are eating peacefully until Basil rushes in and goes to the window table where Mr and Mrs Wareing and their son are eating.]
Basil:
Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Would you mind moving to that table?
Mr Wareing:
...What?
Basil:
Could I ask you please to move to that table over there?
Mr Wareing:
But...
Basil:
I'm so sorry to trouble you.
Mr Wareing:
[getting up, protesting] We're halfway through...
Basil:
Thank you so much.
Mr Wareing:
Yes, but...
Basil:
This is Lord Melbury's table, you see.
Mr Wareing:
What?
Basil:
Lord Melbury. When he stays with us he always sits at this table.
Mr Wareing:
Well, why did they put us here?
Basil:
Ah, an oversight... on my wife's part. I'm so sorry. He's just arrived, you see. Would you mind? - Polly! - Would you help these people? [The family get up very unwillingly. Polly, slightly puzzled, starts moving the dishes. Mrs Wareing is particularly slow...]
Basil:
Come on! Come on!!... Thank you. [they move; Basil grabs a vase of flowers from another table and puts is on Melbury's; Melbury enters] Ah, Lord Melbury! Do please come this way... your lordship... I have your table over here by the window... as usual... [gives Melbury a slight wink, but gets no reaction] Just here... thank you so much.
Melbury:
Thank you, thank you very much... [Basil holds Melbury's chair, but moves it back just as Melbury sits down. Melbury falls, knocking the table over. Basil clouts Manuel, who happens to be passing.]
Basil:
Get on with your meals!!! Thank you so much. [he starts trying to make amends] [In reception; Basil is at the desk doing the pools. Melbury comes out of the dining room wiping himself down with a handkerchief.]
Basil:
Lord Melbury, I really must apologise again for...
Melbury:
Please, please, think nothing of it.
Basil:
But it was so...
Melbury:
No, no no. It was the smallest of accidents. It could have occurred anywhere.
Basil:
Yes, but...
Melbury:
No, no, no, I've forgotten all about it.
Basil:
That's most... you're really... er, your lordship, would you allow me to offer you dinner here tonight... as our guest?
Melbury:
That's extremely kind of you. Unfortunately I have an engagement tonight...
Basil:
[mortified] Oh!
Melbury:
Oh actually...
Basil:
Yes?
Melbury:
There is one thing.
Basil:
Good! Good!
Melbury:
I was wondering... can you cash me a small cheque? I'm playing golf this afternoon.
Basil:
Oh, delighted!
Melbury:
And I'd rather not go into the town...
Basil:
Absolutely... I mean, er, how much? ...er, if it's not a rude question.
Melbury:
Er well... er... could you manage... fif... [looks in his wallet] Oh! ...a hundred?
Basil:
[stunned] A... h... hundred? [recovering] Oh absolutely... Oh yes, I mean, will a hundred be enough? ...I mean a hundred and fifty... two... two... er, a hundred and sixty?
Melbury:
...Let's see, that's, er, dinner tonight... few tips... oh, and it's the weekend, isn't it... would two hundred be all right?
Basil:
[momentarily shattered] Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha! [extravagantly] Oh! Please! Oh, tremendous! Oh... I'm so happy! I'll send someone to the town straightaway and have it for you when you get back.
Melbury:
Yes, well, that would be splendid.
Basil:
Thank you, thank you, your lordship.
Melbury:
Thank you so much.
Basil:
Oh, not at all, my privilege... [Melbury exits] ...What breeding... sheer... ooh! [he starts to write the cheque, but Sybil walks in; he hides the book hurriedly and gives her a peck on the cheek] Hallo, dear.
Sybil:
What are you doing?
Basil:
I'm kissing you, dear.
Sybil:
Well, don't.
Basil:
Just thought it might be nice to...
Sybil:
I heard about lunch.
Basil:
What? ...Oh, that! Oh, think nothing of it.
Sybil:
What?
Basil:
It was the smallest of accidents. Could have happened anywhere.
Sybil:
Anywhere? First you move that nice family in the middle of their meal, and then you attack Lord Melbury with a chair!
Basil:
Look, Sybil, I've had a word with Lord Melbury about it. He was quite charming... Oh, it's delightful to have people like that staying here... sheer class, golf, baths, engagements, a couple of hundr... h, h, horses...
Sybil:
Well, I've never seen such tatty cases.
Basil:
Of course you haven't. It's only the true upper class that would have tat like that that... It's the whole point! ...Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about...
Sybil:
No I don't. But don't ever move guests in the middle of a meal again... and get that picture up. [she goes into the office]
Basil:
...Sour old rat. [Polly comes in] Ah! ...Polly... would you do me a favour? When you're down in town this afternoon... would you just pop .... just between ourselves, don't mention it to my wife... pop into the bank and just... [writing the cheque...] [In the town. Polly leaves the bank, crosses the street, and walks past a parked car. She checks, looks into it and is surprised to see Danny Brown sitting in it with another man. Danny sees her, motions her urgently to get into the car; she does so. He shows her an official-looking card and points to the jeweller's shop. At that moment Lord Melbury comes out of the shop, looks round furtively and hurries down the street. Danny nods in the direction of a waiting colleague who follows Melbury. Danny and Polly watch...] [In reception; Basil is holding the picture against the wall, marking the position with a pencil. The phone rings.]
Basil:
...Could somebody answer that, please? [it goes on ringing.] ...Hallo! Is there nobody who can answer that? There must be someone... [Manuel runs in and heads for the phone] Not you. [Manuel goes away; Basil puts down the picture] ...I'll never get it up. I'll cancel my holiday... do it then. [picks up the phone] Hallo, Fawlty Towers... [The ringing continues. Sybil comes in and answers the other phone.]
Sybil:
Hello, Fawlty Towers... Oh, hello, Brenda... [to Basil] Basil, it's six o'clock. [Basil puts down his receiver wearily as Sybil continues her conversation. Polly comes in.]
Basil:
[whispers] Ah, Polly... did you cash it?
Polly:
Yes, er... Mr Fawlty...
Basil:
Good, good.
Polly:
[urgently] Could I have a word with you? [hands him the money in an envelope]
Basil:
What?
Polly:
Could I speak to you in the office for just a minute...
Basil:
Not now Polly!
Polly:
It's very important, I...
Basil:
Later! Later!
Sybil:
Basil!
Basil:
I'm just going, dear. Thank you, thank you so much, Polly. [He rushes into the bar. From behind the counter he hears someone come in. As it is exactly six o'clock he doesn't need to see who it is.]
Basil:
Ah, good evening, Major. 
The Major:
Evening, Fawlty.
Basil:
The usual?
The Major:
[looking at his watch] Er... er... oh, why not, indeed, why not? ...I've just been watching one of those nature films on television.
Basil:
Oh yes?
The Major:
Did you know that a female gibbon gestates for seven months?
Basil:
Seven months? Well I never... there you are, Major... seven... my word... [the Wareing family have come in] Ah, good evening, Mr Wareing.
Mr Wareing:
[coldly] A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water please.
Basil:
Certainly.
Mr Wareing:
Is there any part of the room you'd like us to keep away from?
Basil:
What? ...[false jollity] Oh, ha ha ha ha.
Mr Wareing:
[curtly] We'll be over there, then.
Basil:
[to the Major] Seven! Well, well...
Melbury:
[entering] Evening, Fawlty.
Basil:
Ah, good evening, Lord Melbury.
Mr Wareing:
[makes his point again] Anywhere?
Basil:
Yes, anywhere, anywhere... Lord Melbury, may I offer you a little aperitif... as our guest?
Melbury:
That's very kind of you... dry sherry if you please. [he wanders off]
Basil:
[to the Major] ...What else? ...Such... oh, I don't know what... 
The Major:
Je ne sais quoi?
Basil:
Exactly! Exactly! [Sybil enters] Ah, there you are, Sybil. [he departs lord-wards with the sherry]
Sybil:
Good evening, Major. [Melbury is glancing at some coins in a display case. Basil brings him his drink.]
The Major:
Evening, Mrs Fawlty. 
 
[Melbury is glancing at some coins in a display case. Basil brings him his drink.]
 
Basil:
There you are, your lordship.
Melbury:
Ah, thank you very much.
Basil:
I see my little collection of coins tickles your interest.
Melbury:
What? Oh, yes, yes.
Basil:
All British Empire of course. Used to be quite a hobby of mine... little investment too...
Melbury:
Quite... oh... talking about, er... did you manage to...
Basil:
Oh yes. Here you are, your lordship. [Meanwhile, Polly runs out of the hotel front door and signals to Danny, who is sitting in a car; he flashes his lights in ackowledgement. Back in the bar...]
Melbury:
...Oh yes, you know, these sorts of things, their value's soared this last couple of years.
Basil:
Have they really?
Melbury:
Yes, yes. You take my advice. Get them revalued, and insure them for the full amount.
Basil:
Yes, yes, I will.
Melbury:
You can't take any risks nowadays, I'm afraid.
Basil:
No, no, quite.
Melbury:
Well, I must be off.
Basil:
Thank you, thank you, your lordship. I'll certainly...
Melbury:
[leaving] Goodbye.
Sybil:
Basil!
Basil:
Yes, yes, I was just talking to Lord Melbury, dear...
Mr Wareing:
A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, please!
Basil:
I do apologise...
Melbury:
[coming back in] Fawlty!
Basil:
[leaving the Wareings in mid-sentence] Yes, Lord Melbury?
Melbury:
...I was just thinking... I'm having dinner tonight with the Duke of Buckleigh... do you know him?
Basil:
Not... personally, no.
Melbury:
Oh... well, he's a great expert, you know, Sotheby's and all that...
Basil:
Is he?
Melbury:
Well, if you liked, I could take them with me, ask him to have a quick look at them and find out their current value.
Basil:
[overwhelmed] Would you really?
Melbury:
Yes, yes, certainly. Well, I'll be off in a few moments. [he leaves]
Basil:
Well, that's really... so incredibly... er...
Sybil:
Basil!!
Basil:
I'm talking to Lord Melbury!
Mr Wareing:
[slow and loud] A... gin... and orange... a lemon squash... and a scotch and water please!
Basil:
All right! All right! [The reception bell rings urgently; it is Polly. Basil runs out clutching the coins in a box.]
Polly:
Oh, Mr Fawlty...
Basil:
Was that Lord Melbury? Has he gone?
Polly:
I rang... Mr Fawlty, I must speak with you.
Basil:
What? ...Can't you see I'm busy?
Polly:
Please! It's very important - can we talk in there? [indicating the office]
Basil:
I can't!
Sybil:
[calling from the bar] Basil!!
Polly:
It's very important!
Basil:
[shouting] I'm just dealing with something important out here, Sybil, thank you. [to Polly] All right! [they both go into the office] Yes? Yes, right, well, yes, yes, what is it?
Polly:
It's about Lord Melbury.
Basil:
Yes?
Polly:
He's not Lord Melbury... he's a confidence trickster.
Basil:
I beg your pardon?
Polly:
Mr Brown told me.
Basil:
[contemptuously] Haaa!
Polly:
Mr Brown's from the CID. They've been watching Melbury because he's pulling some big con trick in the town. They're going to arrest him when he leaves the hotel so as not to cause you embarrassment. But he asked me to tell you...
Basil:
[not believing a word of it] Oh, how nice of him!
Polly:
Please, Mr Fawlty...
Basil:
Oh, I don't know what other tales Mr Brown of MI5 has been impressing you with but...
Polly:
He's a con man!
Basil:
Oh of course. It stands out a mile, doesn't it. He's so common - unlike that cockney git whose ulterior motive will soon no doubt become apparent to you, poor innocent misguided child that you are.
Sybil:
[entering briskly] Basil, what is going on?
Basil:
Nothing, my dear, nothing at all.
Polly:
Mrs Fawlty...
Basil:
Now look!
Sybil:
Yes, Polly?
Basil:
I don't know what she's...
Sybil:
Basil!!!
Polly:
Mr Brown's from the CID.
Basil:
Hah!
Polly:
He showed me his identification. They're watching Melbury. He's a confidence trickster.
Sybil:
I see. [she goes straight to the safe]
Basil:
What... what do you mean, you see?
Sybil:
Let's have a look at these valuables...
Basil:
What are you doing, Sybil? ...Sybil, I forbid you to open the safe! [she opens the safe] Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out! [she takes the case out] Sybil, do not open that case! I forbid it! [sits down in dismay; she opens the case] I never thought I would live to see the day when a peer of the realm... entrusts to us... a case of valuables... in trust... [Sybil places the open case in front of him. He looks into it for a long time. Then he lifts out an ordinary house brick. Disbelievingly, he shakes it close to his ear, lifts out another and sniffs it, then clinks them together. He puts them down and emits a strange growl.]
Sybil:
I'll call the police.
Polly:
They're here already, Mr Brown's outside. [she leaves; the reception bell rings]
Sybil:
Someone at reception, Basil. [Basil rises slowly and goes into reception. Hoping it is Melbury, he has clenched his fist - but it is Sir Richard and Lady Morris.]
Basil:
...Ah! ...all right... er... [collects himself] Good evening.
Sir Richard:
I believe you were expecting us.
Basil:
No, I was expecting somebody else. [goes into another reverie]
Sir Richard:
Sir Richard and Lady Morris.
Basil:
[absently] Yes, yes, them as well.
Sir Richard:
I'm sorry?
Basil:
How did you know?
Sir Richard:
What?
Basil:
Oh... you're Sir Richard and Lady Morris, I do beg your pardon. I was just think... er... [he goes off again, thinking revenge; he comes to...] Would you mind filling this out, please, we've given you room... [Lord Melbury comes down the stairs] Ah hah!
Melbury:
Ah, Fawlty!
Basil:
Mr Fawlty to you, Lord Melbury.
Melbury:
I beg your pardon?
Basil:
Oh, nothing, please forget all about it.
Melbury:
Oh... er... well... here's the cheque for two hundred pounds...
Basil:
Ah, thank you so much. [he bites the cheque and throws it away; the Morrises are transfixed] Now, about my priceless collection of coins...
Melbury:
Oh yes... er, do you still want...
Basil:
Do I still want you to take them to be valued by the Duke of Buckleigh, my lord?
Melbury:
Er... yes.
Basil:
No, I don't. Because we've just heard that the Duke of Buckleigh is... dead! Yes, he got his head knocked off by a golf ball. Tragic! Tragic! [a pause; he beams at Melbury] Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? ...'Ow are yer then - all right, mate? [pinches Melbury's cheek] 'Ow's me old mucker? [gives Melbury a friendly slap on both cheeks; the Morrises are totally bemused] Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard... any bricks? [Melbury rushes off in a panic. Sybil has come up beside Basil, looking anxious.]
Basil:
[to Sir Richard] I do apologise... [shouts after Melbury] You bastard!! ...[courteous again] We've given you room twelve with the view overlooking the park... I'm sure you'll like it... we'll have your bags brought up... [Melbury rushes from the bar across the lobby to the dining room, pursued by a policeman.]
Basil:
Hello, Lord Melbury! ...BASTARD!! [More policemen rush about.]
Basil:
[to the Morrises] Please think nothing of it. [Melbury runs out of the dining room as Polly, running from the bar, knocks the table into him and catches him in an uncomfortable place. As he doubles up, Manuel comes out of the dining room carrying a chair, the corner of which repeats the attack. Melbury doubles up in agony on the floor and is surrounded by the police. Basil walks across smiling politely.]
Basil:
[to police] Do please excuse me one moment. [he puts the boot in, then retrieves the envelope with his two hundred pounds]
Sybil:
Basil, the Morrises are leaving. [Outside, the Morrises are getting into their car. Basil hurtles down the steps.]
Basil:
...Where are you going? ...Where are you going?
Sir Richard:
We're leaving!
Basil:
Oh, don't - please stay - you'll like it here.
Sir Richard:
I've never been in such a place in my life. [they drive off]
Basil:
[shouting after them] You snobs! You stupid... stuck-up... toffee-nosed... half-witted... upper-class piles of... pus!! [He walks back disconsolately back up the steps, where he meets the police escorting Melbury out.]
/*
Basil:
[begging for a chance to thump Melbury] Just one! Just one!
Policeman:
[restraining him] Sorry, Mr Fawlty.
Basil:
Oh just one, please. [But the police remove Melbury. Basil gives up, and steps backwards into a tub of flowers; he threatens it with his fist. As he goes into the lobby he meets Danny.]
*/
Danny:
Sorry, Mr Fawlty. [Basil walks past him back into the lobby.]
Basil:
Well, I'd better put the picture up... Oh... thank you Polly for the... well done, Manuel.
Manuel:
Que?
Basil:
Oh... Ole.
Danny:
[coming back in] I'm sorry about that, Mr Fawlty... can I buy you a drink?
Basil:
No, no, I'd better put this up, I suppose. [picks up the picture] [Sybil enters from the bar with Mr Wareing]
Sybil:
Basil!
Mr Wareing:
[very loudly] A gin and orange... a lemon squash... and a scotch and water please!!
Basil:
Right! [he slams the picture down] Come on, then! [and he frog-marches Mr Wareing into the bar]

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